Aunt Jemima vs. Practicality

I am conservative and practical, which is why what I am about share was highly out of character for me, something that will never happen again. Hopefully.

Last week, I started the Master Cleanse. Allow me latitude to explain. Developed allegedly by doctors, it is an all natural process whereby one can rid their body of toxins and wastes that have accumulated over their life. This serves to restore and invigorate a human being. I have been on a running kick (I’m up to about 25 miles a week) in an attempt to lose weight (I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem – Tommy Boy) and everything I read about this cleanse assured me it was a great way to jump start my workout regimen. The MC consists of 10 days of fasting while drinking 64 oz. per day of a ruthlessly devilish concoction comprised of organic Type B maple syrup (maple syrup is classified in types?…I thought it was Aunt Jemima’s and everyone else), fresh squeezed lemon juice, hot cayenne pepper, and water. In the evening, before bed, you drink one cup of an herbal laxative tea (and keep your fingers crossed you don’t soil the bedclothes in the middle of the night), and in the morning you drink at least 36 oz. of sea salt water. The total cost of the syrup, lemons, tea, and sea salt was about $40 per person. My friend “J” and I embarked on this adventure together and set out with well intentioned determination on Wednesday morning.

By Thursday evening it was over. “J” was pounding chocolate milk and cookies and I was enjoying the most delicious piece of frozen pizza ever. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. I was hungry all the time, developed a gag reflex for the evil concoction, threw up sea salt water one morning because I mixed it too strong (big difference between tsp. and tbsp.) and spent the better part of my morning using the facilities, the roguish results of the herbal laxative tea. All this to eliminate some toxins that I didn’t know were there before MC and weren’t causing me any problems anyway. Not to mention, I had $40 less to spend on my wife’s birthday which is coming up. Just kidding, dear…it came out of our vacation money.

This led me to muse how easily American’s pursue the latest trends and “hippest” ideas. Even the most practical of us succumbs at some point. We have cleanses and Kabala and reality television, all riding the latest wave of human interest. If it’s not one hot item, it’s another that catches us off-guard, occupying our time, interest, and invariably, our finances. If only we were so quick to get out and vote, serve those around us, etc. I am sure, though, that trends have occurred since the beginning of time and will continue to the end; there is really nothing we can do about it. There will always be something new and exciting that everyone has to have or do.

Like my organic Type B maple syrup…which, by the way, I’ll sell to you at the rock bottom price of $39.95. I’ll even ship it to you for free. Until next time…