"O Rita, Where Art Thou?"

This past week, I witnessed something I hope to never see again: the total devastation of my local grocery store. On Monday morning, hurricane Rita was barreling towards my town and the end of the world was nigh. On Wednesday morning, I ran out of deodorant, and the end of my lovely bride’s world was nigh. So off to the grocery store I went.

NOTE: I dislike going to the grocery store because it always seems to take so long.

Upon arrival, the end of my world was nigh. There were no fewer than 20 customers in every checkout at the grocery store and people pushed and jostled down aisles that looked as though they had been hit by a tropical storm. I made my way through the crowds, procured my deodorant, and then made a monumental error in judgment: I decided to see how much water was left on the shelf of the water aisle. As I rounded the corner of the aisle, I observed that the shelf was empty, the clerk was wheeling one pallet of water down the aisle, and a horde of customers was hurdling towards him at an alarming rate. Someone was sure to get horribly maimed. Like any sensible person, he let go of the cart and ran for his life. The herd thundered towards the water and I was swept along with them. Armed only with my aerosol can of deodorant and a cell phone, I lowered my shoulder like an angry bull, barreled through several senior citizens, and emerged amidst many angry stares with two cases of coveted H2O and only minor bruising of my ribs. For the next 30 minutes, while I waited in line to pay, I defended my Evian with grim determination and steely resolve.

As I mounted my defense, I observed the shopping carts of my fellow defenders in the fray. Apparently, college students planned only to survive for the weekend, and chose to purchase beer (which oddly enough went on sale that day) and frozen pizzas. Everyone else planned to survive for the next year, and loaded their shopping carts accordingly. I began to wonder the following: if Rita doesn’t hit, what are they going to do with all this food and how much of it will go bad before they can consume it? With crazed looks, customers loaded crates of produce, dairy farms of milk, and slaughter houses of meat, not to mention loads of canned goods. Even sugar was completely sold out…what in the world are you going to do with sugar during hurricane? Bake?

Anyway, by Saturday morning, the area of town hardest hit by the hurricane was the Rock Prairie Kroger. I had been price gouged for my water and missed out on some much needed rain because Rita had avoided us altogether. I suppose I’m glad for this…at least the only rebuilding that has to be done is the water aisle, which suffered total destruction during Armageddon 2005. I hope the poor clerk is alive, and doesn’t suffer any lingering effects. I doubt “trauma resulting from angry mob” is covered under the Kroger employee health insurance policy.

Author’s note: This is not intended in anyway to make light of the tragedy of hurricanes Katrina or Rita, which have caused great devastation. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who lost lives and loved ones.