REALity Bites!! (Television That Is)

I am a REAList. My glass is neither half empty, nor half full. It is what it is: a REAL refreshing glass of water.

That is why I hate REALity television. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, the craze that is sweeping the nation and has for more than five years now. If you haven’t, pinch yourself to make sure you are REALly alive. Some alarming statistics: 1) as of today, no fewer than 231 REALity TV shows on cable or network television are airing, have been cancelled or have finished their season just in 2005…2) a quick search of a major book selling website named after a South American jungle will reveal over 40 books written on the topic of REALity television shows…3) in a book just released, the author interviewed over 200 REALity show participants and 94% of them regretted their participation, saying that it ruined their lives because of the way they were portrayed, the things that happened to them on the shows, etc.

The problem is this: REALity television is NOT REAL. Where in REAL life would 25 single, attractive women be put in a mansion and compete for the alleged lifelong affection of a third string pro quarterback? Or, who would REALly swap wives for a week to find out what life is like with another wife/mom in the house? I’m sure my wife wouldn’t go for that idea (hey sweetie, next week you’re changing places with the lady down the street just so I can see what REAL life is like without you…Sara??) For crying out loud, in the technology era in which we live with GPS and satellite radio, does anyone REALly get stranded on some remote island and forced to survive for 40 days? Plus, no one is ever in any danger of REALly dying so what are they surviving from?

One has only to look at the titles of the REALity shows to see that what this REALly ought to be called is “REALly bad television”. “The $25 Million Dollar Hoax”…yeah, that’s REAL. “Amish in the City”…last time I checked, it goes against what they believe. “Are You Hot”…well, yes I am, thanks. “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?”…well, for starters, my mom. “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”…I don’t even know where to start?!? I’ll run out of room if I talk about “Who’s Your Daddy”, “The Ultimate Love Test”, or “The REAL Gilligan’s Island”. The only thing surREAL about “The SurREAL Life” is that fact that people think its REAL!!! And why do 94% of participants on these shows regret it? Because they went on the REALity show only to REALize that their REAL lives weren’t that bad after all. Plus, I’m convinced the other 6% also regretted their participation because they had to live with some overweight, tax evading, naked, white guy on the first season of Survivor…now that’s REAL disgusting.

The REAL issue? REAL life doesn’t sell commercial spots. No one REALly wants to spend an hour watching a show about a REAL guy with a bad haircut and a dead end job who lives with his mom and hasn’t had a date in 2 years. It’s just REAL boring.

So what’s the REAL answer: if you want a REALity TV show, find a spoiled west coast high school girl who doesn’t do anything all day, drives a BMW and spends Daddy’s money on important things like manicures and spring break trips to Cabo. Oops! They already air that show…oh well, send a TV crew to my house…I’m running around in that g-string from my polar ice fishing trip…now that’s REAL life!!!