All I Want for Christmas...

It’s a wonderful time of year, the trees, the snow, the ice, the traffic accidents…the smell of egg nog with extra nog, wafts towards my frost bitten nose…and everywhere, a blizzard of ”Benjamin’s” into open cash drawers reminds me…drat, I need to get busy shopping. What should I get for all those people on my list? How about a mullet? Huh?

That’s what I thought when I heard this story earlier this week. A 100 year-old lady for her 101st birthday wanted to run her fingers through the mullet of her favorite home town hockey star in Edmonton, Alberta (Canada for those of you weak in geography). Now, I will submit to you that after 101 birthdays, you may have a hard time thinking of gifts you want but running my fingers through someone’s mullet, even someone famous, would be second to last on my list, right after a private viewing of Grease and just before being buried alive.

Which caused me to muse about mullets? Oft described as “business in the front, party in the back”, the Great North American Mullet, known as GNAM, is a species unto its own. The result of a strange genetic mutation following an accidental home hair cut mishap, the GNAM has thrived in mainly three North American environments: south of the Mason-Dixon Line, the arctic environment of professional hockey and, quite successfully I might add, NASCAR. This species of mullet gestates quickly and comes in all sexes, ages, shapes, and sizes. The GNAM typically reproduces in the optimum environment of non-permanent residential structures…‘er…mobile homes. As the population of humans in North America has increased, the GNAM has struggled to co-exist and hence, you should remain on high alert when patronizing such populous places as Wal-Mart (a good friend of mine is several months Wal-Mart free and he’s the smartest one of us all). It is best when faced with a GNAM to hide small children behind you, placing yourself between your child and the terrifying GNAM. Quickly load the family in the car and drive away immediately, taking great care to not look directly into GNAM’s eyes, lest you be mesmerized, freeze and thereby suffer grave and permanent injury.

Seriously, mullets? I’m not sure where they came from, or how they became popular (maybe my wife can move this to the top of her research paper pile) but something must be done about them. And that “something” begins with NOT GIVING THEM AS GIFTS!! Now, I know everyone’s Christmas list has one person who is hard to buy for but, really, even if you are a 101, won’t a Luby’s gift card suffice? No one and I mean NO ONE needs a mullet. And just in case any of you had a hare-brained idea…yes, my birthday is coming up this month and no, I don’t want a mullet!!! The first one of you that gives me one won’t like what you get back in return…mark my words.

I’ll leave you with this free advice: next hair cut tell your barber “business in the front AND back, you’ll find the party somewhere else”. Until next time…