Ho, Ho, Ho...Happy, Junk Filled Holidays!!

I am not a Scrooge. Really, sweetie, I’m not. Promise. I love Christmas and everything it stands for…traffic, incessant bell ringing, standing in long shopping lines, buying gifts, spending money, buying more gifts, spending more money, wondering if I should get someone a gift because they are getting me a gift…it’s a wonderful time of year. And perhaps my favorite tradition of all (well, other than that whole mistletoe thing) is the white elephant gift exchange.

In any given year, I attend at least 4 of these exchanges. It was actually worth it for my wife to stop teaching so I could attend one less exchange. White elephant gift exchanges are nothing more than an excuse to unload your household junk on some unsuspecting sap in the name of fun and humor. Well, except for my gift. You see, for 30 years I showed up with a $10-15 gift certificate, movie pass, or some other valuable asset to add to the gift pile and perpetually went home with baby food, a partially used roll of toilet paper, pocket nose hair trimmer, or some other worthless “gift”. Worse yet, 9 times out of 10 the person who brought the used roll of toilet paper, which cost them nothing, went home with my $15 gift certificate! Now, I know life’s not fair, but there is also no reason for me to participate in something whereby I intentionally subject myself to a losing proposition. It’s like telling junior high nerd (JB) who always gets picked on to wear a cardigan sweater and tight rolled jeans and part his hair down the middle at the next junior high dance. Lose, lose all the way around.

So, I learned my lesson and changed my approach…I bring junk. And not just any junk, but the worst possible junk I can find. I figure for 30 years of bringing a $15 gift, times 4 parties per year…that’s $1,800 plus inflation…I’ve got a lot of junk to bring to make up for all that money I’ve spent. I bring old cassette tapes, weeds, lawn clippings, g-strings, anything I can find around the house. Costs me nothing and I get hours of enjoyment seeing someone else, who brought at $15 Starbucks gift card, go home with my gently worn g-string laying on a bed of old grass clippings. It’s awesome!! But for my lovely bride’s putting her foot down, someone at the last exchange we attended would have gone home with two dead birds, feathers and all, I have stored in the freezer. Ho, ho, ho. Happy stinkin’ holidays!

So the next time you get that invitation to the annual white elephant exchange, remember…what goes around comes around and if I’m in attendance, it’s going to come around with fearsome ferocity of an agitated white elephant. I’ve got thirty years of pent up frustration, I’m looking for a few good laughs to settle the score. And, oh, by the way, grass clippings make excellent mulch for your spring garden. You can even wear the G-string while you’re spreading them about. Merry Christmas!!