O Say, Can You See, AGIN the Dawn's Early Light...

A patriot I am! I have not fought in any wars nor laid my life on the line for freedom but, by Webster’s definition (def.: one who supports, loves and defends their country), I am a patriot. I cherish America and the freedoms and opportunities she extols. She is a veritable melting pot of cultures and traditions and a symbol of hope, yea a beacon of optimism for the world. I avow with all my heart that the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence are second only to the Bible, scarcely a hair in front of my own periodic musings (just kidding!). The fathers of our great nation were among the most profound visionaries in the history of mankind. She is not without her pitfalls and turmoil, but, regardless of where she falls short, I bleed red, white and blue (and my favorite animal is the elephant). My eyes still mist over when I read the Declaration of Independence aloud, as I did to a group of friends last 4th of July. I ponder the lives lost, the blood shed, and those who still stand a post so that I can embrace as my own that which every man’s heart and soul yearns to grasp: freedom! America, of thee we sing!

Which is why I proclaim to you today this sobering thought: our nation has lost its way. She has stumbled to the wayside, tattered, broken, and bedraggled. All prospects for the future are doomed. What prompts my despair you inquire? A fact that came to my attention lo, these few evenings ago over coffee and pound cake: the word “agin” is in Webster’s dictionary. WHAT!? Webster’s defines it three different ways, which tells me that even Webster had no idea what it meant: 1) Against or opposed to; 2) Beside or near; 3) By or before. I found myself appalled…I know what “agin” is; it is a redneck variation of “against”. More disconcerting, it is a fainéant person’s language of choice! To what end does Webster’s, that stalwart bastion of the English language, include redneck variations and support English language laziness in the rendering of its editions?

I pondered further and became more dismayed. Consider the possibilities that may now arise as a result of this inclusion. Words such as huntin’, leavin’, playin’, and warshin’ will soon be acceptable dialect. Not to mention phrases such as how ‘bout ‘em, ya ‘ant to, and go figger’. All these will take their unwarranted place in the dictionary alongside the rest of our beautiful language. And for what purpose: I submit it shall be to accommodate the sheer and utter laziness of the human race. Oh, it will be vindicated as dialectic and regional speech, but heed this argument you should not, for it is slothfulness they are enabling and defending.

This truly is a dysphoric day for our great country. In a day not long to come, Webster’s will include a definition for every word in the following statement: “Boy, I figger you best git on out thar and git to warshin’ that car and mowin’ that yard lest ya ‘ant to be gitten a wuppin’. I’m agin you settin’ thar agin that TV agin you git on outta the house and do yer chores.” Same slothful word, three slothful definitions.

A once proud nation falls shamefully to her knees. Oh, I still support her; red, white and blue courses my veins; but my support is bridled with the loss of innocence. Innocence vanquished by the sluggardly as we cede our profound language, the very language other nations covet, over to adulteration by shiftless linguists. I surmise all this occurs in the name of political correctness but make no mistake: political correctness is a feeble attempt to cloak indolence in a manner vastly more passable to mankind.