Resolutely Un-resolute

It’s a New Year, a time for new beginnings, renewing of one’s resolve to accomplish certain things in one’s life. As much a tradition as the Christmas tree, the New Year’s resolution is on the tip of everyone’s tongue this time of year. By the way, if your Christmas tree is still up, you ought to resolve to get it down before it combusts. And as you’re taking it down and throwing it away, remember it cost you $80, which is roughly what it costs to feed my wife, my dog, and myself for 2 weeks. Money well spent.

By now, most Americans are 5 days into their quest to lose weight. This is a quest that begins annually for most people on January 2, the day after they gorge themselves on tamales, chili con queso, guacamole, and chips, while they sit all day in a recliner and watch football. This quest also ends annually for most people on February 28th, after two months, when their resolve wanes and they kick their new non-habits in exchange for their old bad ones.

Now, a good friend of mine told his wife he wasn’t making New Year’s resolutions, that they were a waste of time. For the most part, I tend to agree. She apparently didn’t and, according to her, set about making resolutions for him. Rest assured the statistical probability of keeping resolutions made for you by someone else has to be next to nothing. If you think resolutions for yourself by yourself are a waste of time than resolutions for yourself by someone else, no matter how dear they are to you, are a bigger waste of time. I hope she is resolved to be disappointed.

After personally debating the validity of resolutions, I decided there are some things I would resolve to do and, as such, I am prepared to share them with you so that you can hold me to them the next time you see me:

1. I am resolved to reduce the sarcasm in my periodic musings. My outlook on life will surely improve if I am less sarcastic regarding people and the things they do.
2. I am resolved to look first for the good in the human race, not look first for the bad. Just because people routinely and habitually commit grandiose acts of sheer stupidity doesn’t mean the human race has no redeeming qualities of goodness.
3. I am resolved to not put on paper everything I muse about. Some things, while offering an immense amount of enlightenment to the human race, are better kept to oneself. For me, that may be a resolution of David and Goliath proportions.
4. I am resolved to awaken each day and inhale the fresh air of a new perspective.
5. I am resolved to find some way to use the $40 gallon of pure maple syrup that currently resides in my refrigerator, daily a gruesome reminder of an experiment gone awry, of a fleeting moment of insanity amidst a life time of sanity and common sense (see Aunt Jemima vs. Practicality from Sept. 2005).

We’ll see how things go these next few months. While my resolve should never be in question, my ability to accomplish #1-4 may be rigorously tested since it would require a change in either me or the human race that would be not unlike a leopard changing its spots. Oh well, I’ll just give up on #1-4 and stick to #5. I’m sure I can find something to do with maple syrup between now and the end of February. “Here, Duncan…treat!!”