10 Pins, One Ball, and A Whole Lot of Rednecks

This edition of “Periodic Musings” has the potential to offend some of my loyal readership but, as Winston Churchill once said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”

What is the common thread between rednecks, NASCAR, and double-wide mobile homes? I was faced with this perplexing question last week while attending the celebration of a friend’s birthday. The answer, in a word: bowling.

I don’t bowl very much or very well, but once a year, I and my lovely bride of 6 ½ years embark on a pilgrimage to the local lane establishment. It only takes us two games to adequately refresh our memories as to why our journey is but once a year. Quite apparent by our observations, we lack the necessary mullet adornment and possess too many teeth to patronize the bowling alley on a more regular basis. Additionally, outside of bowling and unlike our fellow lanes-men, our other areas of interest do not include sports that involve a perpetual left hand turn. For a little over an hour last week, we jammed our fingers into ill-fitting holes and flung our balls down greasy lanes at wooden pins, all the while surrounded by folks short on teeth, sporting wild NASCAR apparel, and “yee-hawing” at every strike, spare, or gutter ball. I haven’t felt that out of place since a visit to the t.u. campus in Austin, Texas. I managed to muster no better than a score of 100, mostly because I was distracted by the spectacle that was going on around me. Grown men AND women, spitting tobacco through gaps in their teeth, wheeled in expensive bowling equipment stowed in monogrammed rolling suitcases and proceeded to spend most of their evening arguing about Dale Earnhardt Jr. and yelling at their teammate Bobby Ray for tossing a gutter ball in the last frame.

My observance of this redneck/NASCAR/bowling phenomenon led me to muse about why bowling is so popular among that segment of the population. It certainly is not the least expensive sport in which one can participate. Equipment and paraphernalia is not cheap. Bowling for three hours can cost $30-40 in lane rental alone, not to mention beer (which we observed must accompany all redneck bowling outings) and snack bar refreshments. These guys won’t spend a dime on dental work, but they’ll drop $50 on an evening of bowling and drinking and no telling how much on their Jimmy Johnson officially licensed NASCAR bowling ball bag.

I guess everyone has their vices. I’m just glad mine don’t include over-greased wooden lanes, Greg Biffle autographed ultra sensory stimulation bowling shoes, and Natural Light beer kept cold in the commemorative Richard Petty can saver. Next time you hit the lanes, roll ‘em straight, roll ‘em true, and if you need butter for your pop-corn, just sop some of the excess off your bowling ball…yee-haw Dale Jarrett, keep it pointed left.

Note: The author would like to credit his 4 year old nephew Reed for the NASCAR information, including names of drivers, used in this posting.