Pens, Swords, and Dunderheads
WARNING: BE ADVISED, THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO FALLACIOUS INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE FEEBLEMINDED. THE AUTHOR CLAIMS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR BRUISED FEELINGS.
The day has dawned frigid and gloomy this morn, ever symbolic to my outlook on the future of a great nation, this United States of America. This day, we encounter an ambuscade not unlike that which beset our great and fledgling country some 230 years ago. Contrarily to that aggression, this onslaught comes not from legionnaire in coats of scarlet but rather from a cuirassier of buffoons with game controllers in their hands and headsets upon their crania. The attack is waged not against humankind but against the very device that through the annals of history has time after time overcome every hail of powder and lead, pierced every haze of acrid gun smoke: the English language.
To all who will listen, I have unremittingly declared my aversion to the world of video games, video gaming, and video “gamers”. My occasional forays (by occasional I mean as often as a solar eclipse) into their world has left me irritated, frustrated, and borderline homicidal. It is with great disdain that I gaze upon those that choose to while away the precious hours of the day and night amassing their forces to wage a full scale invasion of Planet Moron, skipping with glee when they unlock the code that employs them with special powers and pumping their fists as they stumble upon the coveted Annihilator X-ray Disintegrator Gun. All the while bicycles rust, imagination lies dormant, and fat cells amass. Hence, you can imagine my dismay when I stumbled upon the following headline: “w00t, an expression of joy coined by online gamers, was crowned word of the year this week by the publisher of a leading U.S. dictionary”. The article continued: “Massachusetts based Merriam-Webster said w00t, which is typically spelled with two zeros, reflects a new direction in the American language led by a generation raised on video games and text messaging.” My coffee was nearly retched and George and Charles Merriam and Noah Webster rose up from the grave to disgorge theirs as well. The “pen may be mightier than the sword” but it has fallen victim to twaddle. Under no circumstances at any time, should “online gamers” contribute anything lasting to society, culture and language save perhaps their tax dollars every time they buy another fatuous game! What is this generation of dullard’s incessant infatuation with phantasm? Have they no better or more productive uses of their time and resources then to squander them on mindlessness? Furthermore, how brazen of them in the hollow recesses of their minds, to cogitate the thought that they might assemble some agglomeration of letters and numbers that would be deemed an acceptable proliferation of the English language. 
Alas, blame cannot be cast solely in the direction of those dimwitted cretins. Nay, culpability lies also with the formerly esteemed publishers of Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, who deigned to anoint such a collocation as their highly regarded “Word of the Year”. The proud and historic publication to which I once assigned panegyric for my own expansive parlance has been rendered a laughingstock by a miscellany of simpletons with aspirations of super powers. It is with utmost certainty that I avow this day to be one of the most funereal and saturnine days in the history of this great country.
Despite the sepulchral feeling within my soul, I have resolved for 2008 to never bandy about a perturbation without proposing a rejoinder. Therefore, my persiflage is as follows: gather these ninnies together, convey them to one of this planet’s many deserted places, plug in their games, and see how long it takes them to waste away with no one there to remind them of the necessities and realities of life. I’ll give it 45 days before their emaciated minds and bodies yearn for the reality of civilization. By then though, it will be too late. The rest of humanity will have gotten used to life without fantasyland and our beloved dictionaries will no longer be pillaged by the vernacular of the perpetually inane. With great despair, I wish you Happy New Year!
posted by Steve @ 7:18 PM
10 Comments:
how do you spell "while" as in "while away" ?? just checking
For whoever is wondering about "while away" the time, it is the transitive verb form of "while". Look it up in your dictionary.
As in what whiley e. coyote does while away from Roadrunner.
Another primal scream from Steve, albeit somewhat muffled by its burial deep in a swamp of turgid prose... The real issue here is that game controls don't respond well to Steve's spastic gross body movement and lack of hand-eye coordination. I'll bet that Steve recently got stomped in Tetris by an 11-year-old game-playing acquaintance.
Oh anonymous........you crack me up!
And another thing: you might hold your nose long enough to invest in some gaming companies. It's a multi-billion dollar industry (~$35 B) and growing fast. Perhaps the latent capitalist in you wouldn't mind translating young wastrel efforts into capital gains.
I thoroughly enjoy the anonymous posts by those who are not man enough to put their name by the post. As to being beaten by an 11 year old in Tetris, that may be but at least I could get up off the couch when I was done.
I've been far too quiet for too long! You crossed the line this time buckaroo! The real issue(s) you have is too hard to decipher for many reasons. First, your word usage only computes on two other brains in this world...probably Bailey and God.
Therefore, making it hard to really understand what you're really angry about. Second, Are more upset that a bogus word made it into Webster's? Or are you more upset about "lazy, overweight gamers" playing games all day? A gamer myself, although not as diehard as some, find myself a little disappointed in your misguided opinion. I can assure you and all those that read along with Steve's musings that this particular post is triggered by Steve's inability to keep up with the boys when games come out to play. The poor guy is used to winning/succeeding at everything. Video games, however, find him incapable of success. All that to say-don't knock it cuz' you suck at it. In fact, all the gamers you personally know have day jobs and only play when they really have a free moment to do so. Rest assured I'll be man enough to leave my name. PS- you still coming over tonight to play Halo 3?
has "cuz'" been added to Webster's dictionary?
Just because you're bad at something, you hate it?
Besides, hasn't the culture of sports (read "nappy headed hoes") decimated our culture far more than games? They are far more violent and base than games.
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