An Augmented Point of View

I must disburden to you, I have made rather valiant attempts in recent months to move beyond my cynical view of the nonsensical world in which we find ourselves. A significant part of me, though, believes that my beautiful, innocent bride and young son will be forever profited by a realistic presentation of this dotty planet they find themselves upon. Therefore, I have already flung aside the New Year resolution of less cynicism in favor of my profound responsibility to my family.

On those grounds, I would be remiss if I did not publicly comment on a rather disturbing factoid that was brought to my attention this past week. What is more disturbing to me is not that I was astounded by the statistic but rather that I was NOT aghast at all. The fact is this: in 2006, the population of the United States spent $12 billion on cosmetic enhancements. I will pause to give you a moment to wipe your spectacles, blot up the beverage you just spewed forth, and read that statement again. $12 billion dollars!

The very idea of that magnitude of lucre being spent on cosmetic enhancements elicits a stream of varied and noisome thoughts coursing through my mind. I will tread cautiously as I have been duly informed that some of my readership is of minor age but allow me some latitude if you are so inclined. Consider this ciphering: the population of the United States as of 6:15 PM on March 22 was estimated at 301,437,516. If you allocated $12 billion to every individual in the U.S., we would all get paid $39.81. Now, I have nothing against folks from the left coast but we know that the vast majority of the $12 billion is spent in the California, namely the Hollywood area. Therefore, if the Hollywood augmentation addicts doled out their $12 billion to everyone in California, each liberal wacko in the state could pocket an extra $329. Augment that!

I suppose the more capacious problem is this: for $12 billion in nips and tucks, I find myself unable to note any appreciable change in the population of beautiful people, present company sans plastic surgery excluded. A compendious perusal of any number of TV shows such as C.O.P.S. will confirm this datum. And that particularity indeed ire’s me. What happened to value for one’s money? If you patronize your favorite local eatery, and your fare of choice is delivered to you overcooked or in an otherwise unacceptable fashion, you either return it for new fare or pitch a fit until your money is refunded. So, why not with your rhinoplasty, cheek implants, or various other augment? Certainly they will be with you much longer than the $25 entrée which cycles through by next morning? Hopefully your nose will be with you for the rest of your life barring a very unfortunate accident involving nose hair trimmer. Therefore, fiscal responsibility would necessitate thorough review of the correlation between the rising expenditures in the field cosmetic enhancement and the relative plane number of comely people.

Alas, America has no fiscal responsibility. We operate in a deficit, run up vast credit card bills, and pay for our augmentations with low interest financing. Why should we be concerned if our $12 billion buttock implants make us look like we lodged a volley ball in our breech? At least we feel better about ourselves and that’s really all that matters. Oops, I’ve got to run…all this stress is graying my hair and I’ve got an appointment with high lights…until next time…