The Pyramid of Idleness

Disclaimer: I want to apologize beforehand for the disparaging discussion upon which I am about to embark. The following comments are not intended to debase or belittle those whom I am proud to herald as friends, only those I am not.

An old adage states if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. I rigorously apply this as my life’s litmus test. I evaluate nearly everything through its pellucid lens. My beautiful wife will tell you that my unremitting application of this principle has rendered my life (and hers) less enjoyable and spontaneous and perpetually more distrusting. Au contraire, I believe I have absolved myself of infinite heartache. Plus, I have as much joy in my life as I can adequately handle.

That said, I submit this undeniable fact: pyramid schemes are the transcendent fulfillment of the aforementioned adage. The magnitude of pyramid schemes I have alit on thus far in life surpasses the bounds of my comprehension (which I believe to be nearly boundless, right dear?). The latest absurdity was recounted by a close friend (S), who experienced precious hours of his life that can never be recovered tragically trifled away under the guise of “if you ever need legal assistance”. The scheme: “pre-paid legal”. The prodigious price of $29 a month for the rest of your natural life provides the peace of mind that legal counsel is but a phone call away (of course it’s a phone call away anyway). The pitch: in our litigious society you never know when you might be sued or need to sue someone else. On top of that “too good to pass up deal” if you sign up other gudgeons for their $29 until death fee, you take an allotment of their monthly payments. S was actually told that this was the way to realize the American dream. What dream, you ask? According to the sales pitch (I am not making this up), sleeping late, drinking coffee around the house until noon, all while making money and not lifting a finger.

I love this country, its founding principles, and the freedom it affords me, freedom bought with the blood of our forefathers. Today, those same forefathers are kicking themselves from the grave because they didn’t have a chance to latch on to the “true American dream”. All those cold nights shivering in a tent on the battlefield, knowing that tomorrow would be their last day on earth, fighting for freedom. All the while they could have stayed home, slept late, and watched the money roll in. They should have started a prepaid British eradication program: pay $29 a month and you can dispose of as many Brits as you want, but only between the hours of 12 PM and 5 PM; it’s the American dream. Wake up America! This country wasn’t founded with pyramid schemes of getting rich but with toil, blood, sweat, and determination. Our society is where it is today because people are downright fainéant. Get off your bums and get to work! And no, work doesn’t include having me over to your house to tell me how to earn $1 million by age 30 while sleeping until noon. If you are selling something, I don’t want any and unless your pyramid scheme is a plan for us to all take a trip to Egypt, leave me alone. If you’re involved in a pyramid business now, get out while you can; you’ll be better for it in the long run. Trust me, by this time, your friends dread you coming around because you are always trying to plug them in at the base of your pyramid. That is, if you have any friends left at all. Pursue the true American dream: hard, honest work leads you to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” I will now field exegesis from all those I’ve offended and hope to have a few friends left after this musing. Until next time…