A Bird In Hand Is Worth Two...

It has been heralded as the ultimate test of man versus beast…the penultimate siege of one’s domain by another species. Epic sagas will one day be scribed about this conflict.

The conflict to which I refer is that of my own versus the blasted barn swallows which have taken up residence, yea squatted under my front porch roof and proceeded to shower all who dare to enter with their liquid blessings. Lo one early spring morn, they commenced to build their mud hut. So diligent were they that my lovely queen beseeched the king of this domain to grant them residence upon my vast estate. As the king is often wont to do, he conceded to the queen and allowed the tiny swallow to build a home and raise its young. The good and noble king endured the constant shower from the heavens whilst the young eggs hatched, grew, and left the nest, all the while believing that once the young were raised, the swallows leave his estate for parts unknown.

Alas, the kindhearted king (who is not often known for his kindheartedness) was proven to be a very great fool for acquiescing to the queen. To his dismay, both the old and young swallows proceeded to take up permanent residence and invited their swallow friends to come live in the king’s vast estate. Daily they perched over the castle gate, frolicking and showering all who dared to enter. This made the king very angry and with great wrath, he reduced their hut to rubble with a garden hose amid the angry chirps and swarming attempts of the swallows to peck out his eyes. Still the tiny swallow sat over the front porch, leaving unwanted offerings everywhere. The king flew into a great rage and consulted his personal advisor (the internet) on how to rid himself of these guests without resorting to cold-blooded execution. The king was aghast to find out that the federal laws of the land prohibit the destruction of the swallow’s nest once it has been built, for they are a protected species. The king’s intense dislike for the federal government grew with this discovery, for there are thousands of swallows within the king’s vast realm and certainly no need to protect them.

The king listened to his aforementioned advisor and attempted to non-lethally remove the birds. After knocking down three rebuilding attempts, the king painted vinegar on the spot on which the birds continued to rebuild and hung a rubber snake under the roof line. This succeeded for several days, much to the king’s delight. He cleaned the porch and resumed the rule of his domain. However, his glee was short-lived for he returned one day from business in another domain to find the re-building under way and on-looking birds sitting atop the rubber snake! Not only did they mock him by this brazen act, but all who came to visit the king were met with the stench of vinegar and the terrifying sight of a rubber snake coiled ominously from the light fixture (sorry K!)

Anger burning, the king exacted the revenge that he should have exacted long ago. A Daisy BB gun and BB’s were procured at the reasonable cost of $16.95, and a trail of death commenced. Thus far none have returned yet the king’s trusty sidekick Daisy remains ready by the front door for all who would dare to avail themselves without permission of the king’s beautiful estate.

Moral of the story: sometimes the impassioned pleas of the kind hearted queen should be overlooked for the sake of common sense and the preservation of the estate.