The British Are Coming!! Well, Maybe After a Good Night’s Sleep

Two postings in less than a fortnight; I never cease to astound myself. Consider yourselves, my loyal readership, among the propitious to have such a convivial relationship with the author. Would that we all could enjoy such fortune, our lives would be endlessly auspicious.

I’ll cease my meanderings and get to the point. I would like to hereby make this formal announcement that I will no longer be toiling whenever I am too tired to do so. There is precedent set for this behavior and, should anyone object, I will direct them posthaste to the following story which I shall relay to you now.

As if travel via the not so friendly skies doesn’t provide enough entertainment for us all, consider the British Airways flight from New Delhi to London that was delayed 13 hours because the pilots and crew hadn’t slept well the night before. Huh? Nary a night passes that I do not lie awake, contemplating how to pay for the years from diapers to college, as well as my beautiful bride’s frequent target trips (she comes by it genetically) leaving me tired and distressed by morning. Yet, dutifully, I show up to work each day and muddle through my responsibilities. I have never stopped a customer obligation from going forward because I didn’t sleep well the night before. We have reached a whole new level of asininity. The article stated that airport officials reported the “pilot felt sleepy” and the “whole crew had a disturbed night”. To perpetuate the travesty, and I am not making this up, the airline attempted to book the 210 passengers into separate hotel rooms but when the hotel ran out of rooms, passengers were forced to double up! When asked about his accommodations, one hapless traveler said, “There’s a lot of anger and outrage here. I had to share a double bed with a man I had never met!” That’s where I check out. I can’t even share a double bed with my lovely wife and get decent sleep…sharing one with a total stranger would scar me for life, if I even made it to the next morning. What if they checked me in with an axe murderer; or worse, a Democrat? The liability to the airline is illimitable.

After hearing of this though, I have decided that what’s good enough for the Redcoats is good enough for me and therefore, I have compiled a list of things I will not do if I “feel sleepy” or “if I have a disturbed night”:
1. Under no circumstances can I be expected to perform my current job responsibilities. I spend a lot of time on the computer and I might nod off at my desk, causing great bodily harm and damage to company property when I bludgeon my cranium on the computer screen.
2. I cannot be expected in anyway to help get dinner on the table. There are far too many hazards associated with setting out table knives, opening and closing cabinets, etc. for me to feel comfortable assisting in my enervated state.
3. It is out of the question to put down the toilet seat after use if I am slumberous. The distinct possibility exists I may drop it on my hand, causing devastating injury.
4. Taking out the trash is a near impossibility. If I should happen to drowse off while pushing the trash can to the street, I might wander into traffic and be horrifically maimed.
5. It is beyond the realm of possibility that I could change a diaper while feeling a bit somnolent. Were I to fasten up the diaper with young Samuel’s hand in the waistband, he could be permanently damaged and functionally impaired.

My outlook on life is completely changed and I owe it all to the Brits. I no longer will undertake to carry out any responsibility while in a sleep deprived state. It’s no wonder the Brits won’t stop to give you the time of day…they’ve all had a "disturbed" night for the last 230 years, thinking about the one that got away. Until next time…I’ll be sleeping it off…

Nailed!!

Disclaimer: this article is in no way intended to denigrate any country of origin or nationality. It simply relays the facts as they were presented to the author. No apology can be made for truth.

Local newspapers can often provide much fodder for comment, especially if you happen to be a cynic, I mean realist like myself. Often, nothing mollycoddles me more than the local newsman tracking a story like my dog after her bone. One of the local media’s slogans is, “Channel 9, Digging Deeper and Tracking Storms”. I always wonder how they arrived at that one. A gaggle of journalists, sitting around one day, hopped up on coffee, trying to come up with a slogan. “Alright, let’s focus on what we do…Dan, what do we do? Peter: “Well, Dan, we dig deep. Stone: “Oh and we track storms.” Dan: “Sweet, that’s our slogan! Digging deep and tracking storms.” How imaginative.

Anyway, I digress. According to my local newspaper, a scandal is deluging the city, a scandal of monumental and international proportions. It has nothing to do with Al Qaeda, Osama, or Bill Clinton’s latest escapades. Neither does it pertain to our uncertain relationship with North Korea. You’re focus is far to narrow. I’m talking much grander scale than that: nail salons. That’s right. The sanitation or lack thereof of nail salons has now made two days of front page news in the local newspaper. Apparently, nine local nail salons were the pretension of an undercover sting operation. Now don’t stampede to conclusions yet, it wasn’t from a sanctioned body, like the health department, the FDA, OSHA, etc. No, this sting operation was the product of a concerned local patron who told the newspaper she took it on herself to begin investigating. She has some prior industry experience (the newspaper will not elaborate since the cases are pending) that qualified her to go snooping around the salons and now these nine are facing permit suspensions, fines up to $40k and a whole lot of public perturbation. I mean, can you fathom how these people feel, having their good nails, uh names dragged through the local mud, just for the sake of some patron with a bunion, eh beef with them? What possible violations could they have committed that would add up to such public scrutiny and levy such hefty fines? Well, if I may include a quote directly from the newspaper: “Violations at two locations included dirt and debris that had settled in a wax pot (a wax pot?? is this a car wash or nail salon??), on buffer blocks (see car wash comment, huh??), and in nail files; manicure and pedicure tools that were not completely immersed in disinfectant; 14 craft drills that are illegal for use in the professional nail industry; foot spas that were dirty; and an illegal credo blade that shaves corns and calluses from feet.” What?!? Is this some kind of medieval asperity? If I go in anywhere to have work done on my nails and they bring out the drills and credo blades, I exit posthaste. One offending locale was even in possession of illegal formaldehyde. Now I’m officially perturbed. About the only thing missing from this story is the obligatory dead cockroach found in the front desk candy bowl. Wait, that was at Los Cucos (Spanish phrase meaning “the cockroach”). Apparently, in this story, for the low price of $20, someone will drill, blade and varnish your toenails, and hopefully stop at that. It’s all very disturbing. Additionally, of great entertainment to me were the interviews (and I take these names straight from the paper) with Duc Huynh, Lanh Tran, Truong Bong, Trang Nguyen, Tuyet-Trinh Huynh, Trinh Thi Nguyen, and Trinh Phan, the owners and operators of aforementioned offending salons. They vowed to fight for their rights to party, uh paint nails. The international implications of this nail conspiracy are staggering.

I find the whole thing very disconcerting. I mean, between offensive nail salons and the imminent threat of global warming, what is this world coming to? And as I often do these days, I wonder what type of planet I will leave to my beloved first born Samuel. Apparently, a very hot planet filled with renegade, unsanitary nail salons who threaten the public health. I might as well give up; my son has no hope of fulfilling his dreams in such a hopeless world. Maybe I’ll train him to be a “concerned patron”. He can start putting his investigative skills to the test now…I saw a rat at my favorite breakfast taco place the last time I ate there…until next time…stop global warming…turn on your AC.