Now Boarding All Clubs: Humor Preferred

I love air travel. It gets me from place to place much faster than I could drive; unless, of course, I am delayed, re-routed, over-booked or have long layovers. It also provides me with generally more amusement than I could otherwise find in the mundane life of an obsessive compulsive person who is governed by habit rather than by the seat of my pants as my non-type A friends are.
My beautiful bride and I just returned Monday from a trip to Branson, Missouri. We flew, thinking it would save us much time. In retrospect, it only saved us about 2 hours each way but it provided us at least a week of priceless amusement.

I am continually stupefied by the airline’s myriad of preferred customer programs. We chose Northwest Airlines with a connection in Memphis. As we waited in Memphis to board our final leg to Missouri, they began to seat passengers. I do not exaggerate; they had at least 5 distinct classes of preferred customers. Gold, silver, and bronze club, gold silver bronze platinum preferred club, frequent business traveler silver fuchsia gold preferred club, most air miles ever flown by a human platinum preferred business complimentary unlimited adult beverage club…I waited expectantly to hear the following: “Northwest Airlines will now board the passenger holding Willy Wonka’s golden ticket preferred club.” I am sure that orientation for ticket takers is overwhelming…having to memorize all the permutations of preferred passengers in order to recite them at every boarding call would be a daunting task to mere mortals indeed.

Finally, at long last, they called our club: rear of the plane reduced leg-room adjacent lavatory we’re all out of chicken and only have tuna fish left preferred passenger coach club and we boarded with eager anticipation (actually, we’d waited so long that I eagerly had to go to the bathroom…surprisingly, no club for that). Upon our arrival at our final destination, I experienced yet another bit of humor…no matter how many air miles logged, passengers still feel the need to stand up the instant the aircraft comes to a stop. I guess their afraid they will get trapped on this aircraft, and be forced to fly between Branson and Memphis for the rest of their natural lives. The fact that everyone stands up makes for some humorous poses…half of the passengers who believed themselves fortunate to have the coveted window seat now find they cannot stand fully upright because of the low hanging overhead bin…however, it is apparently still vital that they stand…so stand they do, in some odd-looking, hunched over position reminiscent of Sasquatch (which, as I learned on this trip does exist). There they wait for five minutes or more while the gate is attached. Once they are free to deplane, most engage in a 12 round cage match to retrieve a carry-on bag that was too big to fit in the overhead bin in the first place. After much grunting, groaning, and a well placed kick or two, they retrieve their bag, disable the overhead bin and the ape-like hunched over impatient horde behind them is allowed to deplane as well. I’m sure most passengers leave the plane and head straight to the chiropractor to get treatment of back/neck pain brought on by prolonged exposure to low hanging overhead bins.

I leave the plane chuckling all the way about the idiocy of air travel…chuckling at least until I get to the lost luggage reclamation counter. Happy trails!!

REALity Bites!! (Television That Is)

I am a REAList. My glass is neither half empty, nor half full. It is what it is: a REAL refreshing glass of water.

That is why I hate REALity television. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, the craze that is sweeping the nation and has for more than five years now. If you haven’t, pinch yourself to make sure you are REALly alive. Some alarming statistics: 1) as of today, no fewer than 231 REALity TV shows on cable or network television are airing, have been cancelled or have finished their season just in 2005…2) a quick search of a major book selling website named after a South American jungle will reveal over 40 books written on the topic of REALity television shows…3) in a book just released, the author interviewed over 200 REALity show participants and 94% of them regretted their participation, saying that it ruined their lives because of the way they were portrayed, the things that happened to them on the shows, etc.

The problem is this: REALity television is NOT REAL. Where in REAL life would 25 single, attractive women be put in a mansion and compete for the alleged lifelong affection of a third string pro quarterback? Or, who would REALly swap wives for a week to find out what life is like with another wife/mom in the house? I’m sure my wife wouldn’t go for that idea (hey sweetie, next week you’re changing places with the lady down the street just so I can see what REAL life is like without you…Sara??) For crying out loud, in the technology era in which we live with GPS and satellite radio, does anyone REALly get stranded on some remote island and forced to survive for 40 days? Plus, no one is ever in any danger of REALly dying so what are they surviving from?

One has only to look at the titles of the REALity shows to see that what this REALly ought to be called is “REALly bad television”. “The $25 Million Dollar Hoax”…yeah, that’s REAL. “Amish in the City”…last time I checked, it goes against what they believe. “Are You Hot”…well, yes I am, thanks. “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?”…well, for starters, my mom. “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”…I don’t even know where to start?!? I’ll run out of room if I talk about “Who’s Your Daddy”, “The Ultimate Love Test”, or “The REAL Gilligan’s Island”. The only thing surREAL about “The SurREAL Life” is that fact that people think its REAL!!! And why do 94% of participants on these shows regret it? Because they went on the REALity show only to REALize that their REAL lives weren’t that bad after all. Plus, I’m convinced the other 6% also regretted their participation because they had to live with some overweight, tax evading, naked, white guy on the first season of Survivor…now that’s REAL disgusting.

The REAL issue? REAL life doesn’t sell commercial spots. No one REALly wants to spend an hour watching a show about a REAL guy with a bad haircut and a dead end job who lives with his mom and hasn’t had a date in 2 years. It’s just REAL boring.

So what’s the REAL answer: if you want a REALity TV show, find a spoiled west coast high school girl who doesn’t do anything all day, drives a BMW and spends Daddy’s money on important things like manicures and spring break trips to Cabo. Oops! They already air that show…oh well, send a TV crew to my house…I’m running around in that g-string from my polar ice fishing trip…now that’s REAL life!!!

Life: One Odd Ride

My friend Burro Joe brought something to my attention today which was quite disconcerting to me. For several years now, he has annually purchased a Texas hunting license which allows him to legally discharge a firearm with intent to slay wild game as long as it is during the appropriate game season. However, he has not taken the mandatory Texas hunter safety education course which would provide him the knowledge with which to safely discharge a firearm with intent to slay said wild game. This made us both wonder about the flaw in the system that would allow a person to buy the aforementioned hunting license without taking a safety course of inordinate appropriateness.

My pondering of this situation caused me to muse on several other societal oddities which continue to flabbergast me, lo, these 30 years I have been on this planet:

At age 16, you can be trusted to get behind the controls of 800+ pounds of dangerous fiberglass and steel and drive as many fellow teens as you can cram in this instrument of death to the skating rink (or wherever 16 year olds are going these days) but you can’t be trusted to select the next president of our great United States of America…

However, at age 18, you can be trusted to select the next president of our great country, but you can’t be trusted to choose whether or not to partake of an alcoholic beverage. It would seem to me the proper order would be learn to make wise decisions about alcohol while at home, and then learn to make wise decisions about driving, and finally learn to make wise decisions about the future leaders of this country. I may be way off here but…

Type “A” personalities are usually the worst people to be around (I know because I’m one of them) yet we assign them the first letter in the alphabet, which is usually reserved for designating the best things in life. Grade A beef, A’s in mathematics, etc. Type “A’s” ought to be assigned “Z”…

Allegedly, the checker at your local grocery store is highly trained in grocery checking proficiency, yet most people can go through the self check out line with the same amount of items and be done in half the time…

When I file quarterly sales taxes for my wife’s business with the Texas Comptroller, if I file and pay online (which saves them from having to mail me 10 pages of forms at their expense) I am assessed a $1.00 convenience fee for doing so. Correct me if I am wrong but they get their money faster, don’t have to send me forms, and it takes me just as much time to file either way yet I owe them a dollar for saving them time and money. What’s wrong with this picture…

There are, I’m sure, many more oddities in life such as these but I’ll save them for another day. I’m more concerned right now about Burro Joe, running around, blasting anything that moves with his shotgun without the proper safety education. We all better take cover…I’m sure he’s not the only one. Until next time…