Pens, Swords, and Dunderheads

WARNING: BE ADVISED, THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO FALLACIOUS INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE FEEBLEMINDED. THE AUTHOR CLAIMS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR BRUISED FEELINGS.

The day has dawned frigid and gloomy this morn, ever symbolic to my outlook on the future of a great nation, this United States of America. This day, we encounter an ambuscade not unlike that which beset our great and fledgling country some 230 years ago. Contrarily to that aggression, this onslaught comes not from legionnaire in coats of scarlet but rather from a cuirassier of buffoons with game controllers in their hands and headsets upon their crania. The attack is waged not against humankind but against the very device that through the annals of history has time after time overcome every hail of powder and lead, pierced every haze of acrid gun smoke: the English language.

To all who will listen, I have unremittingly declared my aversion to the world of video games, video gaming, and video “gamers”. My occasional forays (by occasional I mean as often as a solar eclipse) into their world has left me irritated, frustrated, and borderline homicidal. It is with great disdain that I gaze upon those that choose to while away the precious hours of the day and night amassing their forces to wage a full scale invasion of Planet Moron, skipping with glee when they unlock the code that employs them with special powers and pumping their fists as they stumble upon the coveted Annihilator X-ray Disintegrator Gun. All the while bicycles rust, imagination lies dormant, and fat cells amass.

Hence, you can imagine my dismay when I stumbled upon the following headline: “w00t, an expression of joy coined by online gamers, was crowned word of the year this week by the publisher of a leading U.S. dictionary”. The article continued: “Massachusetts based Merriam-Webster said w00t, which is typically spelled with two zeros, reflects a new direction in the American language led by a generation raised on video games and text messaging.” My coffee was nearly retched and George and Charles Merriam and Noah Webster rose up from the grave to disgorge theirs as well. The “pen may be mightier than the sword” but it has fallen victim to twaddle. Under no circumstances at any time, should “online gamers” contribute anything lasting to society, culture and language save perhaps their tax dollars every time they buy another fatuous game! What is this generation of dullard’s incessant infatuation with phantasm? Have they no better or more productive uses of their time and resources then to squander them on mindlessness? Furthermore, how brazen of them in the hollow recesses of their minds, to cogitate the thought that they might assemble some agglomeration of letters and numbers that would be deemed an acceptable proliferation of the English language.

Alas, blame cannot be cast solely in the direction of those dimwitted cretins. Nay, culpability lies also with the formerly esteemed publishers of Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, who deigned to anoint such a collocation as their highly regarded “Word of the Year”. The proud and historic publication to which I once assigned panegyric for my own expansive parlance has been rendered a laughingstock by a miscellany of simpletons with aspirations of super powers. It is with utmost certainty that I avow this day to be one of the most funereal and saturnine days in the history of this great country.

Despite the sepulchral feeling within my soul, I have resolved for 2008 to never bandy about a perturbation without proposing a rejoinder. Therefore, my persiflage is as follows: gather these ninnies together, convey them to one of this planet’s many deserted places, plug in their games, and see how long it takes them to waste away with no one there to remind them of the necessities and realities of life. I’ll give it 45 days before their emaciated minds and bodies yearn for the reality of civilization. By then though, it will be too late. The rest of humanity will have gotten used to life without fantasyland and our beloved dictionaries will no longer be pillaged by the vernacular of the perpetually inane. With great despair, I wish you Happy New Year!